The power of loving and forgiving your spouse
As we are reminded again this month to celebrate the one we love, for many couples relational difficulties may arise.
When I first entered the Air Force, I will never forget an experience I had. As I sat in a meeting room, the commander walked in, and it was obvious he was frustrated. He immediately started talking about his “ball and chain wife” and his anger toward her. There was clear disdain for his comments toward her from the other people in the room. It saddened me to think, “If he spoke about his wife this way behind her back, what did he say in front her?”
What happens to a marriage, when in the beginning they are willing to pledge their undying commitment to the point of death, and then grow over time to speak with such venom? In my own theological convictions, people possess a nature that is at its core prideful and selfish. Our thoughts, words, and deeds can communicate this malaise. In 18 years of marriage, Amber, my wife, and I have wounded each other. I have hurt her feelings, I have done selfish things where I did not consider her desires, and I have often not loved her like I should have. And … she has done the same to me. If we don’t address our selfish nature toward one another, continual disappointment, wounding, shame and separation will likely occur.
John Gottman, who has lead The Gottman Marriage Institute for forty years, has made observations on couples at his marriage lab. At the “Love Lab,” he has observed how couples interact, communicate, love and even fight. He has noted in his research, that success and longevity of marriage is not tied to whether couples are volatile in their conflict, average or extremely hesitant. Rather, success and longevity of marriage is often determined by how well the couple reconciles their conflict through forgiveness. Healthy marriages make reconciliation a priority.
So, when you engage in conflict with your spouse, do you consider your spouse’s accusations or merely state your own? Are you quicker to defend yourself than acknowledge your actions? Are you willing to forgive or do you hold on to past wounds and bring them up at a later date? And do you say the words to your spouse, “I forgive you,” and release your spouse from the debt you feel they owe you? Forgiveness cancels a debt, which means “I won’t” bring it up again. Forgiveness means, I’m willing to release my pain because “I love you.” And forgiveness also means, “I make mistakes like you and need your forgiveness for my wrongs.”
My wife, Amber, and I believe in a God who has forgiven our debt, and gives us the ability to forgive one another every day – this belief has sustained our marriage.
So how is your forgiveness level? Is there anything going on in your marriage that you need to forgive one another of or ask forgiveness for? When we forgive, the wounds in our marriages are able to heal, and the love we started with will continue to grow.
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